Fifty Gray Hairs

“My friend said she is reading the best book ever. Fifty Gray Hairs or something like that. Have you heard of it?”


“Mom, you mean Fifty Shades of Grey,” She laughed. Yeah, all my friends are reading it.”

“Have you read it?” I asked.

“No, you know I don’t have time to read. They call it ‘Mommy Porn’,” she responded still laughing.

“Reeaally? I raised my eyebrow and grinned. “Maybe, in the interest of staying current, I should check it out.”

It didn’t take me long to find the books at Target. My mouth dropped open when I saw the words “Adult Erotica” below the synopsis. Huh, at Target? Surely it couldn’t be too bad. They don’t carry porn. I skimmed a few pages and put it back on the shelf.

When I go on a diet I purge the pantry and fridge of any refined sugar. If it’s in the house I’m going to eat it. I know myself. I’m weak, so I get rid of temptation. Books like Fifty Shades of Grey are my brain candy. My temptation is to fantasize. Sweetheart travels and I get lonely. The last thing I need is to be lonely and…how can I say this…stirred up. Sweetheart can’t live up to fiction any more than I can live up to an airbrushed Playboy model. I made a commitment to be faithful to him. Am I being faithful if I’m daydreaming about someone else? Is it respectful to him? The best way to avoid temptation is to run in the opposite direction. I learned the hard way.

I cheated the first time around. I could give you multiple reasons for my unhappy marriage, but they are not relevant. An affair didn’t just happen. (Anyone who says an affair just happens is full of poop.) It wasn’t an accidental kiss which led to more. I made a choice to be unfaithful long before the first kiss.

My best friend, at the time, encouraged me to find a boyfriend. She said I was unrealistic to expect one man to meet all my needs. She was in the middle of an affair herself. Her busy husband worked and went to school fulltime. He had neither the time nor energy for her needs. Her boyfriend took her to dinner and lavished attention on her, but she always went home to the security of her husband.

I bought into the idea. I wanted to stay married for the sake of my seven-month-old daughter. What a great plan. My needs could be met and I could stay married. So let the games begin!

When you open yourself up to the possibility of an affair, I guarantee you it will happen. It doesn’t matter how old you are, what you look like, or how much you weigh. Don't think you are exempt because you are "a good Christian" girl. Someone will accept what you are offering. Not the milkman maybe, but probably someone you already know. Odds are you see him at work every day. You are aware of the chemistry between you. You flirt a little and enjoy his response. When the whole office goes to lunch you sit with him to carry on your own conversation. Soon the two of you begin to have lunch alone, so you can talk without interruption. Next thing you know you find excuses to work late. You miss the bus, and he offers you a ride home. He stands behind you in the elevator. When you feel his breath on your neck, you turn to look him in the eyes. He wraps his arms around you and kisses you deeply. You accept his kiss and all that it means.

“Look, we’re both married and have children. We want to stay married. Let’s agree we are in this for pleasure. I don’t want to break up any marriages,” I said.

Surprised he pulled away. “You’re very open, aren’t you?”

“Yes, I am.” I said. “I want to be clear. I’m not happy at home, but I don’t want a divorce. Let’s just have fun.”

We did have fun for a year. The excitement and anticipation of each encounter was exhilarating. I lost weight feeding on the adrenaline rush. He treated me better than I had ever been treated. I fell in love with him. He broke my heart. This was neither his first affair nor his last.

I didn’t get caught in my infidelity, but there are consequences even if you don’t get caught. I no longer listened to my husband’s dinner conversation. I daydreamed about my last rendezvous or plotted the next. My husband suffered in every comparison to my lover. I detested him for being oblivious to my blatant cheating. My heart was torn apart. Instead of repairing the marriage the affair drove a wedge to the base of our union.

I quit my job and moved away to give my marriage a fighting chance. I went for counseling alone. My husband wouldn’t go because as he put it, “I’m not the one trying to break up nine years of marriage. You get your stuff together and we’ll be fine.” Hope for a healthy marriage died. I knew I would always cheat on him. I contemplated suicide but couldn’t leave my daughter. So I left him, but not for the other man. I left him because I couldn’t stand the liar and deceiver I had become.

When God commanded me not to commit adultery, His intent was not to curtail my fun. He was trying to protect me. When I divorced I made myself a promise to remain single unless I could be faithful to my spouse. I planned to raise my daughter and live alone. I remarried 28 wonderful years ago. I have kept my promise, but I am always on guard against temptation.

Hope you can learn from my mistake.