Suicide Survivor



Senior Picture 1971

I hadn’t seen or talked to my older sister in six months to a year, but she called to wish me a happy birthday. She sounded anxious and flustered. I could hear the wind in the phone and the crunch of gravel as she paced.

“Randa, are you okay?” I asked after a minute of pleasantries. 

"No, not really. After I lost my job at Wal-Mart, I got a job helping emotionally challenged kids. I thought I could make a difference, because I understand what they go through. The director said I wasn’t the fit they were looking for and let me go. I don’t know what I’m going to do now.

I’ve been clean and sober for two years, but it is so hard to stay that way. I don’t have any support at home. My husband says it’s his house and if he wants a drink, he’s going to have it,” her voice broke.

Alarmed, I asked, “Randa, are you on your medication for bi-polar disorder?”

“No, I can’t afford it without a job or insurance.”

“Honey, you’ve got to get some help. I can’t do anything from Texas. Is there anyone in Kansas I can call for you?”

“I’ll be fine. Talking to you helps,” she continued to pace.

“Lace, do you think God will forgive me for all the things I’ve done?” she asked.

“Don’t you know He only forgives the perfect people?” I responded. She guffawed. I teased her because we’d had this conversation before. I knew she knew the answer, but it worked to break the tension.

“Randa, no one is perfect. If I gave you a beautifully wrapped gift would you open it or would you put it on a shelf and wonder if it was for you?”

“I’d open it, of course,” she said.

“God’s forgiveness is the same. It was yours the first time you asked for it, but you’ve placed it on a shelf. Open the gift, Randa!"

I assured her of God’s unconditional love and begged her to get some help. She assured me she would be fine. I should have called her husband or sons and thrown a fit, but I didn’t want to interfere.

Last family photo 11/03

     Five weeks later on October 2, 2004, my mother called with the news. In good spirits that morning, Randa had fixed a big breakfast for her husband. They sat and chatted before she saw him off to work with a kiss goodbye. He was clueless to her plan.
     Her 32-year-old son was living in the basement of their home at the time. He had spent the night out and ran home before work to pick-up a few things. Entering the house, he called out for his mom, but got no answer. He ran downstairs to grab a clean shirt and saw Randa’s little Boston Terrier lying at the end of the bed. He called to her as he started up the stairs. She didn’t respond. Her eyes stayed focused on the other side of the bed. He walked back downstairs and around the bed to see his mother’s lifeless body on the floor. She had used his gun to end her life. She was only 52 years-old.

     Today, I’d like to shine some light on the subject of suicide and depression. Every year at this time a spirit of depression descends on our entire family. It affects not just my parents and Randa’s three sons, but my siblings and my children. Last year I was surprised to recognize some of the symptoms listed below in myself. I have a wonderful life and do not consider myself depressed. My doctor however explained it as a chemical imbalance and prescribed a low dosage of an antidepressant. I am amazed how the cloud in my brain has lifted. I no longer wake-up to a barrage of negative, self-defeating thoughts and my energy has returned. My only side-affect seems to be a dry mouth. It is totally worth it for the clarity which has been restored to me. I thank God for giving man the intelligence to create such a little pill.
     The The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, along with other helpful information, lists the following warning signs of suicide:

Observable signs of serious depression:

• Unrelenting low mood
• Pessimism
• Hopelessness
• Desperation
• Anxiety, psychic pain and inner tension
• Withdrawal
• Sleep problems
• Increased alcohol and/or other drug use
• Recent impulsiveness and taking unnecessary risks
• Threatening suicide or expressing a strong wish to die

Making a plan:

• Giving away prized possessions
• Sudden or impulsive purchase of a firearm
• Obtaining other means of killing oneself such as poisons or medications

• Unexpected rage or anger

      The emotional crises that usually precede suicide are often recognizable and treatable. Although most depressed people are not suicidal, most suicidal people are depressed. Serious depression can be manifested in obvious sadness, but often it is rather expressed as a loss of pleasure or withdrawal from activities that had been enjoyable. One can help prevent suicide through early recognition and treatment of depression and other psychiatric illnesses.

      Ken Duckworth, medical director of the National Alliance on Mental Illness, stated in an article in USA Today, “Ninety percent of people who die by suicide have a mental illness, and many are afraid to seek help. Sometimes people fear they will lose their jobs or be viewed differently if they acknowledge these problems."

     If you or someone you love exhibits any of these symptoms, I implore you to get help. There is no shame in seeking treatment. Depression is an illness which can be treated. If your loved one had pneumonia you would cart them off to the hospital whether they liked it or not. Mental illness should be viewed in the same way. You may save their life or your own.
     The National Suicide Prevention Hotline number is 1-800-273-8255.

     Gratefully, that is not the end of the story. Two years to the day of sister's death, my granddaughter, T-Bug, was born. She is the epitome of joy!

God redeemed the day. He gave us the opportunity to celebrate life, rather than mourn a senseless death.